Personal Unresolved Conflicts and our Partners

The influence of individual internal conflicts is often forgotten in couple counselling. George has been in a relationship with Helen for 15 years. They have great domestic creature comforts, good friends, holiday a bit and like the company of others but deep down there is something amiss.

Well maybe the main problem is not about them as a couple but more about their own unhealed personal internal conflicts. Helen was lied to in a previous relationship and lacks trust. George deep down feels he is not as capable as others either at work, socially or at making decisions.

George also had an alcoholic father who verbally, and at times, physically abused him. Helen had an over protective mother who was obsessed with the body functions of her children and their cleanliness. These secret and unresolved internal conflicts are at play in their daily couple relationship, without them being fully conscious of it.

We all have different childhood experiences that have made us the way we are as adults.  It stands to reason if these personal internal conflicts are not healed, or put to bed, then having them in the background will affect all relationships at a base level – at home, at work and at play.

If you are in a relationship and you consider you have unhealed internal conflicts then maybe it is time to address these first in individual counselling, before seeking couple therapy. You will feel empowered if you can clean your own slate first before negotiating changes in your relationship. In the end the only person we can change is ourselves.

I often find in couple counselling one partner wanting me to take their side to tell the other they are wrong. Couple counselling is not about finding blame but more about negotiating new pathways. To do that partners need to reflect on the value of their own decisions – are they really the right ones all the time?

Personal therapy, to dilute the demons of our mind, can change our behaviour in all aspects in life. It can make us happier at work, socially, with our families and in our lives with our closest life partner.

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